Me too!
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
