There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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