Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Randomize
