I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
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It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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