Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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