I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
