I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my shit smells like andre
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
