Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
