I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
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Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
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He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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