I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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