Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
