That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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