we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
