Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
