Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
