You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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