I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There r osticjed everywhere
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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