Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
