i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
