I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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