Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I accidentally burped into my bong.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
