question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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