I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
