Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
