I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
