I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Randomize
