I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
