you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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