I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
