everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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