Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
How external is "for external use only"?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
