Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
