Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You left your phone here
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