This girl is more easily done than said...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
