oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
