we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm too high and old for this...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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