he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
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I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
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Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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