Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Holy shit dude........stairs
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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