ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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