I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
