How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
