I hope mine doesn't look like that
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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