I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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