Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
