I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
