hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
