all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
did i walk over a car last night?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
