he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
