Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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