Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
