That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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