you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
