OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
