I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
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Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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