All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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